Self Acceptance

 10 Juli 2021

Saya suka iri sama orang-orang yang bisa banyak teman dekat, bisa aktif dan dikenal di komunitas, being acknowledge as part of community or group, has a sense of belonging to a particular group.

I have been discussing it with hubby over and over again. This always leads to a conclusion: I am a professional, cold person, with less empathy.

I thought that I did not try harder. To be part of a community. To reach people. To be closed to people. The relationships I have, always built on professionalism; means, I would likely reach people or being involved in a group if I have something I need from them. If I do not have any more business with them, I would just completely vanish from their life.

It is sad. Truly. I am sad. I always ask, what should I do to change that? I want to have a genuine relationship with people, really, where I could stay in contact with them even when we are away from each other. I want to have friends that care for me and look for me when I am not around. 

Hubby said that I should accept myself for who I am. I need self acceptance. But, it is hard you know. 

Then I was wondering how it would like when I pass away. I bet not many people would mourn me. It is sad thinking like that.

Hubby told me that I am an honest and straight person. That makes me very rigid, with a little tolerance, especially to something that I am against to. Then I thought, so being an honest and straight person does not do any good?? He said would you prefer to be loved by Allah or people?

It is Allah's love that matters. 

I thought that I am away from Him. That makes me anxious and insecure. I should not worry about anything if I am close to Him, right? La tahzan. Wa takhof.

I should get back to Him, period.